TIME TO CLEAN YOUR PURSE!

Sometimes it seems that when God created man, He designed him so that everything he would need to get through life would fit easily into two pockets and a billfold, said Pam McKeon in her article entitled, “When you can no longer lift it, you know it’s time to clean your purse”.  When a man needs money or credit cards, he pulls out his billfold.  Change for coffee?  The left front pocket.  Keys?  The right.

Men have been spared spending half their lives carting around one of the most necessary, but cumbersome, accessories known to humankind:  the purse!  The purse itself isn’t good or bad.  The problem is in the cleaning ritual almost every woman who owns a purse must face. 

Most experts agree that the purse was developed in the Middle Ages.  After hiding all her necessities in her bouffant hairdo, a Renaissance woman rants out of the room.  She tucked away her comb, perfume and pictures of her grandchildren and realized she didn’t have any room for money, lip gloss, postage stamps or sunglasses case.  By sewing two pieces of material together and adding a makeshift strap, she developed the purse. 

Soon, she realized a small purse would no longer do the job.  Where would she put her business cards, pocket Spanish guide, checkbook, aspirin, mail, and small purchases from the department store? 

Today, purses range from the small and dainty to the top-of-the-line heft bags that easily hold two small children with room to spare.  Women pack as much as they can into a purse until it can no longer be lifted, then (Yuk!) they have to clean it.

“I think I need to clean my purse” really means “I can’t lift my hand bag anymore.”  Another signal to clean occurs when a woman roots around for lip gloss and can’t find it.  She digs and digs, tossing aside half-eaten chocolate bars and car titles and find nothing.  Meanwhile, the lip gloss has taken on an integral role in the purse life – the “rotation cycle”. 

As you try to get to the bottom to reach the desired object, the item works its way to the top.  As your hand moves back toward the top, the item travels in the opposite direction, pushed along by other objects caught up in the process, thus the rotation cycle. 

Cleaning most often occurs only after an exhaustive search for an item produces no results.  The cleaning ritual begins with the purse held high in the air.  The owner then dumps the contents onto the table.  Really big purses require moving to a larger dumping area, such as a…pasture! 

While purging the purse of its contents, a woman may discover she’s been harboring souvenir tokens from a past county fair, an unopened invitation to a wedding that took place four years ago, or a pamphlet introducing the “New ’84 Olds”.  A few items are kept, however, as they still may hold a special place in a woman’s heart. 

Photos of children, yellowed and cracked beyond recognition, don’t often get tossed.  Love letters from old beaus almost always have a special place in the purse.  Here, they find safety from present beaus who know better than to snoop through a woman’s handbag. 

Once the ritual has been completed, the woman is wise to remind herself that future purse fodder should be evaluated and given the stamp of approval before admitted.  Even today’s Hefty bags, tough as they are, have a load limit.  Now, I’m sure most of you cannot relate to this description, by Pam McKeon of the state of today’s purse, but for those of you who do I hope you’ve found some insight into purse time management.  Now that you’ve read this, to go over to your purse and, if you can barely lift it, it’s time to clean it!